there's only two things certain in this life...

It happens every year and is often a time that most people dread, April 15th.



However, it is a time that I look forward to at the dawn of every new year. Most people often make New Year's resolutions about losing weight or quiting smoking but these things mean nothing to me. I have one resolution every year and that is to make more money than the last. And somehow it always comes true...Imagine that!



While most people are scrambling to get their 1040's detailing their measly earnings for the year out on that day, I am always out at a bar counting my stacks. It is a holiday of sorts for me. I would compare it to waking up on Christmas morning and running down the stairs to see what awesome gifts Santa brought you. Except this time it is the IRS and they are generally giving me quite an ample return. I have hung my W2 above my headboard so I can look at it everyday when I wake up and go to sleep. While it is quite pleasant to look at it is also a reminder that come next year there better be an even bigger one in my newly furnished bedroom.

Merry Weekend.

So I have been very busy slaving away to the man today. Sometimes it is just hard y'know. To be honest with you I have been here for eight hours already today and I will have to be here for at least an hour more and the time it took me to type this sentence and the last is the longest I have gotten to sit down all day. But hey, to party hard you have to work hard. I don't mind running around all day slaving away to the man as long as it urns me some cheddar.



Since there are still about three hundred things that need to happen before I leave work at 5pm, today's post will be a tad bit abbreviated. Here is a video of people who wish they knew what "rain making" was really all about.



What a bunch of jokers.

Hating It Rain.

There is one man, who in our humble opinion, who hates the act of making it rain more than any other man in history. This man in fact, based nearly his entire political career on the idea of rain making being a bad thing. We have been careful here at making rain on how to approach such a figure.



One one hand, the Theodore Roosevelt is responsible for founding the Bull Moose political party which resulted in many laughs while we were juniors in high school. On the other hand, the man hated big business more than Marshall Mathers hates Kim. You might be thinking "this man broke down monopolies as a hobby, how on earth could we give him the kid gloves treatment?" Well lest we forget that he is also the person who coined the term "Rough Rider".




Lets go through some more pros and cons with our twenty sixth president, shall we? First off,shortly after gaining the presidency, Roosevelt drafted a 20,000-word address to the Congress in December 1901, where he asked Congress to curb the power of trusts "within reasonable limits." They did not act but Roosevelt did, issuing 44 lawsuits against major corporations; this is where he was gained the nickname the "trust-buster."



On the flip side, Roosevelt's most excellent policy in not letting Europeans into the Americas was labeled as the "Big Stick Policy". Sounds a little bit like he is over compensating for something, wouldn't you agree?



After a lot of back on forth on our part here at making it rain there was one fact that we read on his wikipedia page that told us all that we need to know about the man known as Bull Moose. In 1902, while on a hunting trip in Mississippi, Roosevelt passed up the opportunity to shoot and kill a bear. For that the children's toy will be forever known as the "Teddy Bear" but to us, for these actions, he will forever be known as a pussy.



Fuck you, Teddy Roosevelt.

A Hard Rain Is Gonna Fall.

The other day I was quietly listening to the latest Police album while drinking a fine Bordeaux from 1948 when I received a phone call. "Excuse me sir, this is your bank calling, We believe that your credit card was stolen!" Needless to say I was a little bit worried. Not worried that some petty criminal would drain my checking account but I was worried that this peasant would dirty my good name around town by purchasing items other then those that are highly priced.



So I asked the kind young lady on the other end of the phone,

"What were the purchases that were made?"

"Well, sir, there was a $300 bill at one bar, followed by $85 at a nearby pizza place and then three cartons of cigarettes and 6 cases of beer at a local corner store." "Oh",she added, "and a bag of combo's too."



I just started laughing uncontrollably. The woman became concerned. I think was worried that I was becoming hysterical. Maybe imaging me for a poorer man that I am, I assured her that this was not a big deal for me. I even went to far as to tell her that it i just a normal Monday night for me. No big deal.



And surprise, surprise, she then asked me if she could call me when she wasn't working and maybe go out sometime. I obliged.

An Important Decision

I have been thinking about this for a while. A long while. Many a night I have stayed up thinking to myself about how I really don't want to pick up after myself. Many an afternoon in between counting my money and burning my money I have day
dreamed about how much I would love just to chuck shit on the ground and have someone else clean up. Almost every evening I think about how I want someone else to do my laundry for me, well, I actually already make other people do my laundry but the previous two items still hold true.



Considering that I already have people do my laundry I figured it was only a matter of time that I made this switch. I am going to miss the excellent service from the young girls over at "You Are Rich So We Will Wash Your Clothes" laundromat, but it is time to leave. Good bye ladies, hello maid.


Naturally, it was only a matter of time before I got a maid. I mean, I have two apartments. More importantly, considering how many hours a week I spend devoting my time and energies to making a world wide business conglomerate and getting drunk it is amazing that I ever remember to buy toothpaste. (don't worry ladies, I remember...)



So here is how I plan on changing my life now that I am going to hire a maid.

1- I can spend more time spending money instead of cleaning.
2- I can spend more time getting drunk instead of cleaning.
3- I can spend more time having sex instead of cleaning.
4- I will have more sex because my house will be clean and I will be less embarrassed to bring hot babes home.
5- I will get more drunk because, often times, I drink less because I hate picking up empty bottles so much.
6- I will have sex with more maids that I used to.



oh, baby.

baller laboraties, experiment 2

We are back with our next installment, this time challenging derogatory statements made against the wasting of money. I'm sure you can all remember back to time when you really wanted to squander your hard earned allowance money on some awesome toy that a commercial during the saturday morning cartoons convinced you to buy.



And guess what your Mom said, "That's like flushing money down the toilet!" Well here at baller laboratories, we have decided to test what it feels like to actually flush money down the toilet.



What better thing to do than literally flush your hard earned money down the crapper without even blowing it on shit. WARNING: This activity is for those with excessive amounts of cash. Some of our findings from leaving money in the toilet is that your mother will be really disappointed in you or you may find your broke ass roommate fishing one's out with a coat hanger. But perhaps the best feeling about leaving money in the shitter is when some fly bitty is at your place and has to take a dump.
Of course she will see the money and be dumbfounded by it but she will be to embarrassed to admit that she going to take a dump and will never bring it up.
This will then create a mystique about you because who else does she know who stores their cash in the water closet.



In the end, we have concluded that actually "flushing money down the toilet" is, in fact, totally awesome. So next time someone is going to harsh your mellow over just enjoying things that they deem as wasteful...just remember that you can't refute scientific fact.

My Favourite Fraud

Knowing that the Million Dollar Man was nothing more than a fraud makes watching this video especially bittersweet.

Baller Actitivies.

Last night myself and a couple of my fellow money maulers were sitting around sipping on some yak when we thought to ourselves, "dudes, why don't we hit up the town and show this sad community what it means to burn through some cash". Now as a veteran of such activities I have found there are many ways to show off your cash. You can do something as simple as just burning it in front of homeless people or something as elaborate and blowing your nose with it and then setting it on fire in front of a homeless man.



None of those ideas really seemed to fun last night so my friends and I decided to play an old favourite game of ours. It requires such skills as spending money, getting drunk and the ability to fiercely compete. It is known quite simply as "bar golf".



The game is very simple. Here are the basic rules. You draw up a course of nine bars. Each bar has a par, "or average drinks required" of two. If you drink three drinks you get a birdie, four is an eagle, etc. If you have only one drink you get a bogey. If you understand the rules of golf this should come quite easily to you. You and your peers decide how long to spend at each bar while you are there. If the bar is full of duds you may only stay for a "happy meal", also known as a shot and a beer, but if there are a ton of shorties on the course it may prove advantageous to stay for a while.



Needless to say, a lot of awesome things can happen while playing this game. Strategy comes into play around the fourth hole. At this point you may want to start ripping shots like crazy in an attempt to get ahead. This plan of action is dangerous but since par for each bar is only two drinks you will not be penalized too badly if you pass out. Who am I kidding, pass out? Ha. What I meant to say was find a shorty who snuck into the bathroom behind you because she couldn't stand looking at you without ripping her clothes off and having sex with you for one second longer.



man, chicks are nuts.

F-R--I-D-A-Y Night!

I can smell happy hour from here. MMMMmmmm that shit smells so hoppy and sweet. I will have to keep my self in check for the next little while though. I still have an hour and a half of time that I owe to the man. Mind you, during this time I will be looking the recently released photo's of Ms. Lohan in New York magazine and thinking about how I thought that her boobies used to look bigger.



Anyway, when this next hour and a half have passed I have been invited to a happy hour at a local tapas bar. My first question when asked to join this group was, "How many chicks are going to be there?" After the number stated piqued my interest I then asked "are any of them sluts?" Once again after finding and answer that pleased me I asked, arguably, the most important question of all, "What the fuck is tapas?"



It turns out, as defined by Wikipedia, "tapas is the name for a wide variety of appetizers in Spanish cuisine. They may be cold, such as mixed olives and cheese, or warm, such as puntillitas, Andalusian battered, fried baby squid." Ummm.... okay well I figured what the fuck. The idea seems to be that it is small portions of food and full sized prices. What a novel way to waste cash!



After doing some more research on this local Western New York tapas bar I found out that they serve "Buffalo specific" tapas dishes. I cannot wait to see what this place has to offer. All I can think of right now is mini cheeseburgers and shot glasses of genny lights.




Lets just hope that after these babes are finished dining on such small meals that they are ready for a huge piece of meat for the night cap!

Your Move, Taylor.

Last night started off a lot like any other night. After grinding away for nine long hours at the office I headed to the local convenient store. I prefer buying my alcohol from convenient store's rather than liquor stores or beer marts because they are much more expensive there. I would like to think that since I spend more than needed that it makes the beer taste better.




To have my ordinary night continue I was to meet a beautiful young woman out for dinner. This happens just about every single night. It isn't really a big deal.



After dining on the finest cheeseburgers in the greater Buffalo area my escort and I found ourselves at a birthday party at a local tattoo parlour. There was alcohol flowing, Wu Tang blaring from the speakers of iBook's and general fun being had by all.



So as the evening went on some of the tattoo artist had began giving away their art for free to those who were willing to have their bodies permanently marked. At this point I noticed my female escort for the evening eying up some of the dudes who were into getting inked. At this point I know that needed to be done. I needed to get inked.



I am thinking to myself real hard at this point. As I am about to stain my body with ink forever and ever what could I put on me that could this shorty all the sides of a humble baller. The money side, the cooter loving side, the power hungry side, the drunk side, no, no. None of those will do. I would show off my sensitive side. That will show this fair lass what a "sensitive" man I am.




So yeah, last night I got bombed and got my mom's name tattooed across my heart.

No Limit Soldiers?

At MakingItRain we are always trying new things. Be it new ways to spend our money, new sexual positions or new ways to show you the baller lifestyle. Today we are proud to share with you a baller anthem. This is different than the rap songs like "Party Up" by DMX or "C.R.E.A.M" by personal favourites of ours the Wu Tang Clan, this song is a parody of a classic song. So here we go, channeling our inner Master P, we hope that you like it.




♫ To the tune of "See My Vest" by C. Montgomery Burns ♫


Some men hunt for sport
Others hunt for food
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is a shorty that fucks real good



Peep her chest, peep her chest
Covered in my milky mess
Feel me Heather, there's no better
Than this authentic Irish settler



I see your cat, I'm feeling that
On your evening wear I'm about to splat
Those white slippers are your dinner
You're quite sexy, my slutty sinner



Grizzly bear underwear
Huge bushes, I've seen my share
Bonjour poodle, suck my noodle
I'm real impressed



Try my red throbbing root
I'll bust one nut or two
Peep her chest, peep her chest
Peep her chest.



See my boner, it's no loner
While with shorties it's no loafer
'Cos by missile sized torpedo
Is the best


So dudes let's tame these hogs
Get two to lick your log
And peep their chest, peep their chest
Oh, please let me peep your chest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Presidents Day!!!!!

Today is the holiday known to American's across the globe as Presidents Day. It has been celebrated since 1971. Before that time American's had two days in February off, one to celebrate the birthday of Abraham Lincoln and the other to celebrate the birth of George Washington.



So what happend to our two days off in February? Well, CEO's of American companies needed employees in this country to become more productive which is why these two holidays were combined into one. That is some fucked up shit. Sadly, there isn't much we can do anymore. If only I was around in 1971 I would have held some sort of protest or some shit. Owen Wilson agrees with me and best exemplifies his frustration in the film "You Me & Dupree"




What makes this holiday even worse is that the only people who seem to celebrate it are bankers. I mean what the fuck, I am the one slaving away to the man Monday thru Friday so as to fill this bank account, why don't I get today off? Though I do suppose that they deserve some respect from ballers like myself, I mean, it has got to get tough counting all of the money that I deposit on a daily basis.



So here's to you Miss banker shorty. You are super hot and turn me on sometimes. You are even nice enough to be polite when I miscount my money in the morning because I am still drunk from the night before. It also makes me feel good when you ask me how my night was, even if I think it might be in a condescending tone because I reek of alcohol. In fact, you are so fly that if i ever see you out I will take you home and fuck you. Enjoy your bank holiday.

Book Club.

Sunday evenings are a nice night for relaxing. After 36 hours of constant drinking, sexing and spending one must sit down and relax. This could be because you have earned taking a couple of hours for yourself. Another reason could be because you go so wasted on Saturday night that you couldn't muster up the energy to get out of bed since you are so hungover that your mouth is more dry than a 90 year old chicks cooter.



So when in a state of uselessness you have to think about how to pass the time. Mind you, this does not happen often but once in a while you might prefer not getting bombed. The only time when this is permitted is if you are ready to come back twice as hard and get twice as fucked up the following night. So I guess that I will have an exciting Tuesday post for you, yet I digress. So when the night is young and booze isnt piquing your interest it may not be a bad idea to turn to a book.



So for evening's like these we here at MakingItRain have decided to start a book club. We are going to highlight books that have helped us become they people that we are today. Books about babes, cash and other awesome shit. Today, we profile The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase's book, "Every Man Has His Price: The True Story Of Wrestling's Million Dollar Man"



So I start reading this book and guess what, not only is the real Ted Dibiase not a millionaire but wrestling is fake as well!! I feel cheated, scammed and above all else I am devastated that my hero growing up turned out to be nothing more than a fraud.



Needless to say this book gets zero stars by my ranking system. Thankfully though, with all of the frauds out there, that there are still real hero's who know how to make it rain.