Sunday, July 29, 2007
Fortunately for me my place of employment is also down with wasting its money while getting its party on. It's a pretty awesome feeling to know that you are making loot while pounding glasses of champagne on the job.
Once I was done making money for drinking, it was time to go out and enjoy the weekend. Naturally I gravitated to an establishment that serves some of Portland's tastiest micro brews. Pitchers of this stuff can get mighty expensive. So much in fact that you might think only rock stars could afford them. And you would be exactly right. While chilling out on the patio, none other than Britt Daniel of Spoon rolled up and grabbed a seat right next to me. He must have been there to free up some extra space in his wallet after releasing his new band's new hit album. He obviously brought his lady there to show her how much money he has and to get her drunk. As you would expect he was a bit self conscious of himself after noticing that I was drinking a much more expensive brew that was obviously better tasting than his own. Fortunately for him I had a party to get to.
By this time I had grown tired of drinking deliciously expensive handcrafted beers loved by local rock stars, so I decided to go with a beverage consumed by rappers. Those of you who are fellow listeners may be familiar with a beverage called sizzurp. For those of you who are totally lame, it is a concoction of Vodka, couch syrup, and hard candy. Rappers often praise this witches' brew for its ability to totally mess you up. Once I rolled up to the party (casually late of course) people quickly noticed that I was drinking something way better than their zimas and mike's hard lemonade.
And to think this was just the start of my weekend.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Now I know what you are thinking, shouldn't a cheddar shredder such as myself enjoy handing out money. I mean there couldn't possibly any easier way to spend money that giving it to some bum so he can buy some little debbie snack pies or some shit, right? wrong. I mean why can't I just walk down the street without having to see one of you stupid fucking bums who always want my money.
So here is what i am thinking, everybody knows about bum fights and things of the like. I do not feel as if exploiting the homeless is a fair option. Maybe we could kill them off one by one. Perhaps by electrocution or maybe by picking them up and then throwing them repeatedly on the ground.We saw how well that went for fellow baller mike vick though so maybe that is not in our best interest. The only way that i can deal with this will be buying one of them a suit and having him carry around all of my shit for me. Kind of like a man purse but you know, a person to carry all of it around so i don't have a bulge in my pockets from my cell phone or over stuffed wallet. I figure i will pay him in quarters and cigarettes to be my assistant. He will carry my shit, take phone calls, laugh at all of my jokes. This shit will be fly.
Now there is one problem with this, there are more people with homes than homeless people. So not everyone will get to have a homeless companion. But hey, everyone in the whole world has a job then and maybe one day the rest of you will know how to spend one hundred dollars at a bar, puke, then spend twenty more before you pass out.
which i did last night.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Yet i digress. I strolled into my over sized walk in closet and i see a wide variety of expensive versace suits. I figure If Seinfeld wouldn't trade dinner at mendy's for one that it deserves no place in my closet.
As I continued to walk through my town house i noticed a copy of the catcher in the rye on my bookshelf. I remembered hearing at one point during high school that during the 50's that people would ritualistically burn copies of that book. So I thought, "what the fuck, might as well give that a shot." So then I pulled out a $100 bill and my lighter...
Thankfully, I am a baller so I always have a fire extinguisher hanging around.
Then I gave my friends, the rock group electric six, a call because i heard that they like to start fires with $500 bills.
However most cultures view the drink as a precursor to the meal, not Americans though...we want to have fun and we wanna get wasted.
Most recently I was out listening to my friend dj and it happened to be happy hour. The establishment which I was patronizing (in both senses of the word) offers reduced prices on certain items during this time in hopes to attract clientele, most specifically well drinks. However, as a baller I refuse to drink swill therefore I demanded that the bartender fix me a Manhattan with all top shelf ingredients. After she was finished explaining that she could make me something comparable with well drinks, I politely responded that I prefer only the finer things in life and that I would also like a shot of Patron.
After quickly running up a bar tab in excess of $40 in about 2 and a half hours, I realize that only a few other sophisticates noticed me lavishly wasting my money while others sipped Hamms'. This required me to take dramatic action. I immediately removed a bill from my wallet and proceeded to light a cigarette with it. This of course created quite a stir. During the commotion a nice young lady happened to spill her drink, which I immediately wiped up using some money. The bartender, however, did not take note of my chivalry and instead insisted that I put out the money because it was a fire hazard. I then immediately rectified that situation with a generous tip.
Well I guess that I am going to have to start carrying around a fire extinguisher at the rate which I'm burning through money.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Barry Bonds is on the verge of breaking, arguably, the biggest sports record of all time. Now, ordinarily this would be celebrated from coast to coast. Children from every city where Bonds was playing would wait outside the stadium hoping, neigh praying, that they could catch a glimpse of the much celebrated slugger. Alas, that is not the case. For this is Barry Bonds and he is not white.
There is a long history of hating things that are not white. For example, did you know a white man shot Martin Luther King? It's true.
And what about jelly beans? Way to make the shittiest flavour black. Jelly Belly are a bunch of bigoted assholes who also seem to have it out for Barry Bonds.
And you know what, i don't think that their would be throngs of people ready to murder Ryan Sandberg breaking the home run record.
I think that america is just hating on the black man. I mean who can personify the american dream of becoming super rich more than Barry Bonds who has gone from a scrawny, pimpled teenager to an oversized, pimply 40 year old.
Verdict: Personally, I hate the son of a bitch because he shot himself full of horse steroids but i love the fact that he wanted to be the baddest dude making the most cheddar.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
But let me tell you something, you don't have to wait to win the lottery to start wasting money on your lifelong dreams. In fact, you don't even have to wait until you've finished earning said money before you waste it. This is a common mistake, people often think they cannot start spending their money until they have left their job.
This reminds me of a recent lifelong dream I fulfilled while working for the man the other day.
A long, long time ago back in my salad days, I was unaware about how to waste money and I bet a friend that he could "eat an onion like an apple." Unfortunately he did not eat it. Possibly because I did not either offer him enough cream to weaken his morals or maybe he was a pussy.
Well it just so happened that some lady brought in a sack of onions the other day. And believe you me, I was prepared to squander as much ass possible to watch somebody cram an onion down their throat. Luckily for me people are willing to do all sorts of stupid crap for just a few dollars. So I casually laid the bet out there and of course some 38 year old jumped at the chance. I'll tell you what, there is no greater feeling than watching a grown ass man humiliate himself by eating an onion like an apple for $10.00.
The point is, if you don't have a job and aren't willing to waste any money than none of your dreams will.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Then the New York Times deems it appropriate to label your book the 5th best book of the 20th century? Why? Because you uncovered some sort of faux monopoly? I do not intend to sound redundant but fuck you. You know what I am thinking Ida, I am thinking that given the time period of your coming of age that maybe you should have chosen another profession.
Actually, now that i think about it maybe you would have been better served being it some sort of freak show, you commie bitch.
In the event that anyone did not understand that joke i am insinuating that she is ugly.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I was chilling at my doods' when we just decided to do some O.G. shit. Thank god my boy Ryan Courter had some expensive ass digital camera to photograph us doing it.
I would definitely have to agree with the statement "The rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer."
There is, unfortunately, one downside to carrying boatloads of the green stuff on you. And that's because others want it. Look at that dood in the background whose money I just took on the dice table. He wants it back, but guess what... I already wasted it down at the store. And this is why you need some protection.
What comes with this exertion or effort directed to produce something is the life style that many americans have come to know as getting paid. Without getting paid you can never make it rain. Without slaving to the man you are never going to be able to flaunt your cheddar. Most importantly without some cash in your pocket, well, lets just say that the ladies won't exactly be waiting around for you.
But hey, this life isn't cut out for everyone. It takes a special kind of person to go out knowing that he is going to be spending more than the gross national product of the Congo. Not everyone is ready for the life of having fly biddies approaching him from every which direction begging him to take them back to his place, where the magic happens.
But hey, if you want to live the lifestyle and just don't have the benjimans to back it up, there is always an option for you.
I guess having so much loot that you can buy houses for your family is a bad thing these days. All the haters out there want to bring him down simply because his name was on the lease. Owning property isn't a crime but apparently dog fighting is. And what if you consider those dogs property? Owning sentient creatures only to dispatch of them for your own personal amusement is surely a litmus test for how much of a baller you must be!
Have no fear though, if having enough chedder can get you into these sorts of binds then it can surely get you out! God bless the U.S.A. (capitalism)!
Doing nothing on the other hand is a lot like playing the blues. It is lazy, repetitive and frankly sort of boring. It is exactly like sitting on your couch all day, not working and not spending large amounts of money for no reason other than the thrill of pulling out a one hundred dollar bill and putting it on the bar just because there is a hot chick sitting next to you.
In conclusion, Thelonious Monk and Ornette Coleman spent money like it was going out of style. Robert Johnson and dudes with no teeth do not. Also, if you play the blues you do not have one of these, unless you are Eric Clapton of course.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Ultimately, the goal of this blog is to make it very clear that doing nothing, not working and not spending money is totally lame. Spending money, getting dick sucks and puking your money away is the way to live. And we definitely hate bicycles.
In the coming weeks and months we will discuss hero's of ours. Forefathers if you will. The older generation of men who taught us how to make it rain perhaps. Or just throw money around like a thousand-aire.
Sure, maybe we don't have a million dollars. Hell, we might barley have a thousand. Either way that makes no difference to us. The goal is to have fun and get wasted.
So keep checking back, we will be updating often on our drunken spending sprees. Or maybe other things. There is one thing that we won't be updating about though. And that is doing nothing.