Thursday, February 14, 2008

Saint Valentine's Day.

Tonight is a big night in the life of a certified ladies man. It's true, tonight is the one night a year when every woman in the world who is not committed to a man (and let's be honest, unless you are with a making it rain writer you can't be "truly" committed" ) is ready to give it up.


On a night like tonight one must exhibit caution. Since every single woman in the world is feeling lonely, slutty, and lost you will have to wade through many women each of whom is trying to bring you home, made whoopie with you and then expect you to still be there in the morning. See, this is the inherent flaw with valentines day, sure you can insert your pinus into almost any woman's vagina on a night like tonight, sure, but you must tread cautiously because if you aren't careful you may wind up in her car on your way to her mothers house on a Saturday afternoon.

With the advice that we are about to give you, it is possible, though not likely, to get out of your own bed on February 15th by yourself. Well, I mean, by yourself in the sense that you had sex with eight different women last night but you made all of them leave by the morning. duh.


Rule number 1: Be humble. On valentine's day the ladies don't want to see you pull out hundred dollar bills and buy them shots of whiskey with it. Sure on most night this is fine. It shows them that you are aggressive and that you are an animal in the sack. They love that shit, most of the time. Tonight though, tell them jokes that your parents think would be funny. Be cute, if there is a man selling flowers outside the bar, buy one for her. She will think that you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo romantic.


Rule number 2: So now you have them back at your place. I have noticed that after you have sex with a girl that more often than not they have to go to the bathroom. This is where you must act quickly. While she is in the bathroom cleaning your "snot" off from her boobies you are to rifle through her purse. Now obviously, you don't need her credit cards or money, you are rich. You just want to create the illusion that you are robbing her. This way she will become so enraged that she will leave immediately.


Rinse, lather, repeat my man. Rinse, lather, repeat. Now that is what I call a St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

1 comment:

Talkin_Proud said...

A belated thumbs up/boner (what's our measure of approval around here?) for one of the best pieces I've read on here.

And no, I'm not gonna go thru the archives and ruin this moment.