Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Your birthday. You do not spend money on your birthday. All of those money hungry friends and leaches pay for your drinks on this night. With all of the loot you have foolishly wasted on their drug habits over the past year it is the very least those ungrateful peons can do for you.
New Year's Eve. It is fucking amateur hour out there. Everybody is looking to have the perfect kiss when the clock strikes twelve. Well, let those wieners who want to be in love have that night. The only thing that is perfect about meeting a woman with me is when she is walking out the door after blowing me.
hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahah. yeah right. See i know what you were thinking. You would think that we would be all about that shit, right? wrong. Whereas we appreciate wiping out asses with money, burning it at our leisure, and drinking to the point that we black out, puke, then buy more drinks, we can not in any way condone showering one woman with gifts on this holiday. If you would like to show them the condoms that you just bought that look like one hundred dollar bills though, well, that is okay.
Any shorty's birthday. You find the hottest babe in the place and you make her yours. You take out your bill fold (or wallet, whichever you prefer) and you drop that wad of $100 bills right in front of her shorty face. She will be all like "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOO HOT, LOL!!!! WHAT IS YOUR NUMBER!?!?!?! LETS TEXT!!!!" Then you will be like, "awesome, i am going to buy this girl and all of her friends so many drinks that i might be able to sleep with all fifteen of them."
Friday, December 7, 2007
My man, J.C. With his birthday coming up and all we figured it is about time to honor the first man to really, really make it rain.
Long before we came around there was pacman jones. Before pacman came James Brown. Before James Brown came Leon Trotsky(the man left for mexico and lived on the beach for the rest of his life). Before Trotsky came this guy....
And before little asian dudes tossing around twenties like his name was method man there was the big man, JC.
Merry Christmas, cheddar shredders.
Monday, August 20, 2007
So imagine my surprise when i stumbled across this chart about young people's drinking habits in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
So I hopped on the next plane and decided it was time to show that town how to be a money mauler.
My first stop was a local shop where i asked the woman behind the counter who the richest, most famous man in minneapolis was. She told me the man's name was Carl Pohland, the owner of the minnesota twins. I said, "wrong answer bitch, you are looking at him!"
After being escorted out of the store, I went to a local brew pub and ordered the most expensive beer that they had. From there I began discussing how pitiful their basketball team would be without kevin garnett and then i told them that their football team of choice was truly mediocre!
Then I put twenty dollar bills in front of my eyes and ran out of the bar like a fucking maniac!
At this time i went to a local 5 star hotel that i noticed had quite a nice water park. I thought, what better place to find some bitch to suck my dick.
Believe it or not I ran into another problem while i was at the swimming pool. So i was just swimming around, flexing and showing all of the babes in the pool what a giant wad of cash that i had in my shorts when all of a sudden the drain got clogged...
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Throughout history, hunting was seen as a source of providing food for ones family.
But what if you already have enough money to eat caviar for every meal and you still have a lingering blood lust... You buy a big ass gun and plane trip to Africa and go kill some shit for fun.
Take a look at one of America's most beloved novelists, Ernest Hemmingway. A man mostly known for his understated writing style ultimately couldn't contain his machismo and had to express his manly hood with big ass gun. This guy wrote books about killing stuff! It must have made him a fortune too because he was able to afford killing the most exotic of animals for sport. And when he got bored of killing leopards and catching marlin he decided that it was time to hunt the ultimate game, himself.
I can definetely agree with his lifestyle because when you try one thing you always want something better and more expensive. This goes the same for drinks, entertainment, women, and even food. That is why during my trip to the local pizza parlor, which you may not think would provide anything delectable to dine on, I decided that I should eat only toppings made with beasts that could eat me.
I saw Pepporoni, I saw Veggie, but then I saw Alligator and I knew I must consume it.
Sure it was expensive but what tastes better than letting all the man eaters out there know that you just ate their mother for lunch.
What's next? Shark sushi...Lion tacos.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Fortunately for me my place of employment is also down with wasting its money while getting its party on. It's a pretty awesome feeling to know that you are making loot while pounding glasses of champagne on the job.
Once I was done making money for drinking, it was time to go out and enjoy the weekend. Naturally I gravitated to an establishment that serves some of Portland's tastiest micro brews. Pitchers of this stuff can get mighty expensive. So much in fact that you might think only rock stars could afford them. And you would be exactly right. While chilling out on the patio, none other than Britt Daniel of Spoon rolled up and grabbed a seat right next to me. He must have been there to free up some extra space in his wallet after releasing his new band's new hit album. He obviously brought his lady there to show her how much money he has and to get her drunk. As you would expect he was a bit self conscious of himself after noticing that I was drinking a much more expensive brew that was obviously better tasting than his own. Fortunately for him I had a party to get to.
By this time I had grown tired of drinking deliciously expensive handcrafted beers loved by local rock stars, so I decided to go with a beverage consumed by rappers. Those of you who are fellow listeners may be familiar with a beverage called sizzurp. For those of you who are totally lame, it is a concoction of Vodka, couch syrup, and hard candy. Rappers often praise this witches' brew for its ability to totally mess you up. Once I rolled up to the party (casually late of course) people quickly noticed that I was drinking something way better than their zimas and mike's hard lemonade.
And to think this was just the start of my weekend.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Now I know what you are thinking, shouldn't a cheddar shredder such as myself enjoy handing out money. I mean there couldn't possibly any easier way to spend money that giving it to some bum so he can buy some little debbie snack pies or some shit, right? wrong. I mean why can't I just walk down the street without having to see one of you stupid fucking bums who always want my money.
So here is what i am thinking, everybody knows about bum fights and things of the like. I do not feel as if exploiting the homeless is a fair option. Maybe we could kill them off one by one. Perhaps by electrocution or maybe by picking them up and then throwing them repeatedly on the ground.We saw how well that went for fellow baller mike vick though so maybe that is not in our best interest. The only way that i can deal with this will be buying one of them a suit and having him carry around all of my shit for me. Kind of like a man purse but you know, a person to carry all of it around so i don't have a bulge in my pockets from my cell phone or over stuffed wallet. I figure i will pay him in quarters and cigarettes to be my assistant. He will carry my shit, take phone calls, laugh at all of my jokes. This shit will be fly.
Now there is one problem with this, there are more people with homes than homeless people. So not everyone will get to have a homeless companion. But hey, everyone in the whole world has a job then and maybe one day the rest of you will know how to spend one hundred dollars at a bar, puke, then spend twenty more before you pass out.
which i did last night.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Yet i digress. I strolled into my over sized walk in closet and i see a wide variety of expensive versace suits. I figure If Seinfeld wouldn't trade dinner at mendy's for one that it deserves no place in my closet.
As I continued to walk through my town house i noticed a copy of the catcher in the rye on my bookshelf. I remembered hearing at one point during high school that during the 50's that people would ritualistically burn copies of that book. So I thought, "what the fuck, might as well give that a shot." So then I pulled out a $100 bill and my lighter...
Thankfully, I am a baller so I always have a fire extinguisher hanging around.
Then I gave my friends, the rock group electric six, a call because i heard that they like to start fires with $500 bills.
However most cultures view the drink as a precursor to the meal, not Americans though...we want to have fun and we wanna get wasted.
Most recently I was out listening to my friend dj and it happened to be happy hour. The establishment which I was patronizing (in both senses of the word) offers reduced prices on certain items during this time in hopes to attract clientele, most specifically well drinks. However, as a baller I refuse to drink swill therefore I demanded that the bartender fix me a Manhattan with all top shelf ingredients. After she was finished explaining that she could make me something comparable with well drinks, I politely responded that I prefer only the finer things in life and that I would also like a shot of Patron.
After quickly running up a bar tab in excess of $40 in about 2 and a half hours, I realize that only a few other sophisticates noticed me lavishly wasting my money while others sipped Hamms'. This required me to take dramatic action. I immediately removed a bill from my wallet and proceeded to light a cigarette with it. This of course created quite a stir. During the commotion a nice young lady happened to spill her drink, which I immediately wiped up using some money. The bartender, however, did not take note of my chivalry and instead insisted that I put out the money because it was a fire hazard. I then immediately rectified that situation with a generous tip.
Well I guess that I am going to have to start carrying around a fire extinguisher at the rate which I'm burning through money.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Barry Bonds is on the verge of breaking, arguably, the biggest sports record of all time. Now, ordinarily this would be celebrated from coast to coast. Children from every city where Bonds was playing would wait outside the stadium hoping, neigh praying, that they could catch a glimpse of the much celebrated slugger. Alas, that is not the case. For this is Barry Bonds and he is not white.
There is a long history of hating things that are not white. For example, did you know a white man shot Martin Luther King? It's true.
And what about jelly beans? Way to make the shittiest flavour black. Jelly Belly are a bunch of bigoted assholes who also seem to have it out for Barry Bonds.
And you know what, i don't think that their would be throngs of people ready to murder Ryan Sandberg breaking the home run record.
I think that america is just hating on the black man. I mean who can personify the american dream of becoming super rich more than Barry Bonds who has gone from a scrawny, pimpled teenager to an oversized, pimply 40 year old.
Verdict: Personally, I hate the son of a bitch because he shot himself full of horse steroids but i love the fact that he wanted to be the baddest dude making the most cheddar.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
But let me tell you something, you don't have to wait to win the lottery to start wasting money on your lifelong dreams. In fact, you don't even have to wait until you've finished earning said money before you waste it. This is a common mistake, people often think they cannot start spending their money until they have left their job.
This reminds me of a recent lifelong dream I fulfilled while working for the man the other day.
A long, long time ago back in my salad days, I was unaware about how to waste money and I bet a friend that he could "eat an onion like an apple." Unfortunately he did not eat it. Possibly because I did not either offer him enough cream to weaken his morals or maybe he was a pussy.
Well it just so happened that some lady brought in a sack of onions the other day. And believe you me, I was prepared to squander as much ass possible to watch somebody cram an onion down their throat. Luckily for me people are willing to do all sorts of stupid crap for just a few dollars. So I casually laid the bet out there and of course some 38 year old jumped at the chance. I'll tell you what, there is no greater feeling than watching a grown ass man humiliate himself by eating an onion like an apple for $10.00.
The point is, if you don't have a job and aren't willing to waste any money than none of your dreams will.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Then the New York Times deems it appropriate to label your book the 5th best book of the 20th century? Why? Because you uncovered some sort of faux monopoly? I do not intend to sound redundant but fuck you. You know what I am thinking Ida, I am thinking that given the time period of your coming of age that maybe you should have chosen another profession.
Actually, now that i think about it maybe you would have been better served being it some sort of freak show, you commie bitch.
In the event that anyone did not understand that joke i am insinuating that she is ugly.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I was chilling at my doods' when we just decided to do some O.G. shit. Thank god my boy Ryan Courter had some expensive ass digital camera to photograph us doing it.
I would definitely have to agree with the statement "The rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer."
There is, unfortunately, one downside to carrying boatloads of the green stuff on you. And that's because others want it. Look at that dood in the background whose money I just took on the dice table. He wants it back, but guess what... I already wasted it down at the store. And this is why you need some protection.