Did You Know?

Did you know that March is "National Talk To Your Teen About Sex" Month? Well, thankfully we here at MakingItRain are concerned with addressing serious issues each and every day. Be it talking about how to spend cash, get wasted or, in today's installment how to have sex with an eighteen or nineteen year old!



See, the thing about teen sex is that you always have to make sure that you check their id's. I remember this one time when I was out at a bar, now mind you, bars should be places of business that only allow people aged 21 years or older inside, right? Well apparently this bar owner disagreed with me. Not only that, how was I supposed to know that women under the age of 21 think that spending money frivolously totally sexy?




So before you know it we are back at my mansion and I am lighting cigarettes with fifty dollar bills and showing her this neat trick where money can literally burn a hole in my pocket.



Well, long story short, I am very happy that I am super rich so I can afford excellent lawyer's who can place "fake" fake id's into these girl's bedrooms so that when the police search her parent's house for evidence proving my innocence they find these fraudulent documents proving that I was duped into thinking she was 21. Man, being rich is awesome.

Song Profile. First Edition.

Growing up in the Western New York area people like myself had access to Canadian radio at our fingertips. This was both a positive experience and an extremely negative one as well. The positives including such hip hop gems as the Swollen Members, Rascalz and K-os on the flip side we have been subjected to such horrid acts as Snow and the much hated Barenaked Ladies. Today at MakingItRain we are going to be profiling the song, "If I Had A Million Dollars" to find out if they are, in our opinion, satisfactorily flaunting their cash. If we deem their expenditures awesome, who knows we may even change our opinion of these schlubs.



If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I'd buy you a house
(I would buy you a house)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
(A nice Reliant automobile)
If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love

Alright, at this point rather than buying a mansion they are buying houses. Lame. Minus one. Secondly they are suggesting buying someone a K-Car? Have you ever seen one of those things? They are retarded looking. Instead of buying a K-Car they should be buying Lamborghini's or some cool shit like that.



If I had a million dollars
I'd build a tree fort in our yard
If I had million dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had million dollars
Maybe we could put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere
You know, we could just go up there and hang out
Like open the fridge and stuff
There would already be laid out foods for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things
They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon
Well, can you blame 'em
Uh, yeah

Well, maybe this is just us, but doesn't their tree fort sound like a gay hangout to you? Pre-wrapped sausages, what is that? I will tell you what it is, not decent. You know what we would buy rather than a tree house with a fridge in it, well a ton of shit, but the first thing that comes to mind is a women's beach volleyball team. Minus two for the barenaked ladies.




If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)
And If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love

I don't know who John Merrick is and I am not going to waste the time to google him because, honestly, I do not give a fuck. You guys are freaks digging up and dead dude and purchasing his remains. I mean, i enjoy that you are getting more creative than a reliable automobile by showing your spending power in purchasing such idiotic things like emu's, llama's and "crazy" elephant bones but it could still be better spent on such things as alcohol and recreational drugs. Take another point off the board for this stupid fucking band.



If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we’d just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That’s right, all the fanciest ke... dijon ketchups!
Mmmmmm, Mmmm-Hmmm

Well if you aren't tired of reading yet I am going to keep going. I didn't realize how long this was going to take when I got started. Now I am stuck pointing out how much cooler we here at MakingItRain are than the dofus' in the Barenaked Ladies. I apologize if it is getting excessive but this needs to be done. No person in their right mind would buy ketchup with a million dollars. Kraft dinners either. I have about had it with these fucking guys. Here is a picture of some babes who are hot.




If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a monkey
(Haven't you always wanted a monkey)
If I had a million dollars
I’d buy your love
If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich

THANK.GOD.THE.SONG.IS.OVER. You don't buy love with money you dip shit. You buy sex. And booze. And more sex. Not love. Never love. And what the fuck is with this not a real green dress shit? Pardon my excessive run of of profanity here but this terrible song has driven me to this. If we ever run this segment here again (which I very much doubt) I promise it will be a bad ass rap song that is awesome and not a shitty song from a shitty Canadian band who thinks a million dollars is a lot of money. What a bunch of nitwits. Final Verdict, Barenakes Ladies do NOT know how to make it rain. Now with a real bare naked lady.

You Know The Saying...

When you were growing up I am sure that you heard this saying before, "March, comes in like a lion, goes out like a lamb". Well I am here to tell you today, March 1st 2008, my goal is to do just that.



I think I will start my night off with a couple of buddies and a little pre-gaming for the night. You may have heard of the drinking game "Power Hour" where you take a shot of beer every sixty seconds for an hour. Well, he have a game sort of like that too. Rather than using a $3.99 six pack of stroh's like most penny pinchers we use a big ass bottle of maker's mark.




After getting suitably "buzzed" my friends and I will play some video games. In fact my friend Damien recently spend much of his hard earned cash on some popular electronics that will play with tonight and then probably smash with sledgehammers to amuse ourselves.



After smashing shit I think we will go out for a while and I will fulfill the age old adage of March. Yep, you bet your ass I will be coming like a lion!

there's only two things certain in this life...

It happens every year and is often a time that most people dread, April 15th.



However, it is a time that I look forward to at the dawn of every new year. Most people often make New Year's resolutions about losing weight or quiting smoking but these things mean nothing to me. I have one resolution every year and that is to make more money than the last. And somehow it always comes true...Imagine that!



While most people are scrambling to get their 1040's detailing their measly earnings for the year out on that day, I am always out at a bar counting my stacks. It is a holiday of sorts for me. I would compare it to waking up on Christmas morning and running down the stairs to see what awesome gifts Santa brought you. Except this time it is the IRS and they are generally giving me quite an ample return. I have hung my W2 above my headboard so I can look at it everyday when I wake up and go to sleep. While it is quite pleasant to look at it is also a reminder that come next year there better be an even bigger one in my newly furnished bedroom.

Merry Weekend.

So I have been very busy slaving away to the man today. Sometimes it is just hard y'know. To be honest with you I have been here for eight hours already today and I will have to be here for at least an hour more and the time it took me to type this sentence and the last is the longest I have gotten to sit down all day. But hey, to party hard you have to work hard. I don't mind running around all day slaving away to the man as long as it urns me some cheddar.



Since there are still about three hundred things that need to happen before I leave work at 5pm, today's post will be a tad bit abbreviated. Here is a video of people who wish they knew what "rain making" was really all about.



What a bunch of jokers.

Hating It Rain.

There is one man, who in our humble opinion, who hates the act of making it rain more than any other man in history. This man in fact, based nearly his entire political career on the idea of rain making being a bad thing. We have been careful here at making rain on how to approach such a figure.



One one hand, the Theodore Roosevelt is responsible for founding the Bull Moose political party which resulted in many laughs while we were juniors in high school. On the other hand, the man hated big business more than Marshall Mathers hates Kim. You might be thinking "this man broke down monopolies as a hobby, how on earth could we give him the kid gloves treatment?" Well lest we forget that he is also the person who coined the term "Rough Rider".




Lets go through some more pros and cons with our twenty sixth president, shall we? First off,shortly after gaining the presidency, Roosevelt drafted a 20,000-word address to the Congress in December 1901, where he asked Congress to curb the power of trusts "within reasonable limits." They did not act but Roosevelt did, issuing 44 lawsuits against major corporations; this is where he was gained the nickname the "trust-buster."



On the flip side, Roosevelt's most excellent policy in not letting Europeans into the Americas was labeled as the "Big Stick Policy". Sounds a little bit like he is over compensating for something, wouldn't you agree?



After a lot of back on forth on our part here at making it rain there was one fact that we read on his wikipedia page that told us all that we need to know about the man known as Bull Moose. In 1902, while on a hunting trip in Mississippi, Roosevelt passed up the opportunity to shoot and kill a bear. For that the children's toy will be forever known as the "Teddy Bear" but to us, for these actions, he will forever be known as a pussy.



Fuck you, Teddy Roosevelt.

A Hard Rain Is Gonna Fall.

The other day I was quietly listening to the latest Police album while drinking a fine Bordeaux from 1948 when I received a phone call. "Excuse me sir, this is your bank calling, We believe that your credit card was stolen!" Needless to say I was a little bit worried. Not worried that some petty criminal would drain my checking account but I was worried that this peasant would dirty my good name around town by purchasing items other then those that are highly priced.



So I asked the kind young lady on the other end of the phone,

"What were the purchases that were made?"

"Well, sir, there was a $300 bill at one bar, followed by $85 at a nearby pizza place and then three cartons of cigarettes and 6 cases of beer at a local corner store." "Oh",she added, "and a bag of combo's too."



I just started laughing uncontrollably. The woman became concerned. I think was worried that I was becoming hysterical. Maybe imaging me for a poorer man that I am, I assured her that this was not a big deal for me. I even went to far as to tell her that it i just a normal Monday night for me. No big deal.



And surprise, surprise, she then asked me if she could call me when she wasn't working and maybe go out sometime. I obliged.

An Important Decision

I have been thinking about this for a while. A long while. Many a night I have stayed up thinking to myself about how I really don't want to pick up after myself. Many an afternoon in between counting my money and burning my money I have day
dreamed about how much I would love just to chuck shit on the ground and have someone else clean up. Almost every evening I think about how I want someone else to do my laundry for me, well, I actually already make other people do my laundry but the previous two items still hold true.



Considering that I already have people do my laundry I figured it was only a matter of time that I made this switch. I am going to miss the excellent service from the young girls over at "You Are Rich So We Will Wash Your Clothes" laundromat, but it is time to leave. Good bye ladies, hello maid.


Naturally, it was only a matter of time before I got a maid. I mean, I have two apartments. More importantly, considering how many hours a week I spend devoting my time and energies to making a world wide business conglomerate and getting drunk it is amazing that I ever remember to buy toothpaste. (don't worry ladies, I remember...)



So here is how I plan on changing my life now that I am going to hire a maid.

1- I can spend more time spending money instead of cleaning.
2- I can spend more time getting drunk instead of cleaning.
3- I can spend more time having sex instead of cleaning.
4- I will have more sex because my house will be clean and I will be less embarrassed to bring hot babes home.
5- I will get more drunk because, often times, I drink less because I hate picking up empty bottles so much.
6- I will have sex with more maids that I used to.



oh, baby.

baller laboraties, experiment 2

We are back with our next installment, this time challenging derogatory statements made against the wasting of money. I'm sure you can all remember back to time when you really wanted to squander your hard earned allowance money on some awesome toy that a commercial during the saturday morning cartoons convinced you to buy.



And guess what your Mom said, "That's like flushing money down the toilet!" Well here at baller laboratories, we have decided to test what it feels like to actually flush money down the toilet.



What better thing to do than literally flush your hard earned money down the crapper without even blowing it on shit. WARNING: This activity is for those with excessive amounts of cash. Some of our findings from leaving money in the toilet is that your mother will be really disappointed in you or you may find your broke ass roommate fishing one's out with a coat hanger. But perhaps the best feeling about leaving money in the shitter is when some fly bitty is at your place and has to take a dump.
Of course she will see the money and be dumbfounded by it but she will be to embarrassed to admit that she going to take a dump and will never bring it up.
This will then create a mystique about you because who else does she know who stores their cash in the water closet.



In the end, we have concluded that actually "flushing money down the toilet" is, in fact, totally awesome. So next time someone is going to harsh your mellow over just enjoying things that they deem as wasteful...just remember that you can't refute scientific fact.

My Favourite Fraud

Knowing that the Million Dollar Man was nothing more than a fraud makes watching this video especially bittersweet.