Hating It Rain.

Missy Elliot is a 5 time Grammy award winner who has sold over 7.6 million records. Terrific, good for her. I can respect a sister with some gold records and statuettes. Today though, we are profiling her because on her 1997 debut record she said "I Can't Stand The Rain" and thusly we have gotten pretty pissed off about that.



In the song, Missy sings (err, raps?) "I can't stand the rain/'gainst my window". In fact the phrase seems to account for about 85% of the lyrics in the said song. That is a lot of anti rain making sentiment.



With that said, Missy has made no effort in later works to correct this early flaw of her career. In songs such as "Loose Control", "Get Yr Freak On" and "Gossip Folks" Missy has talked about topics such as loosing weight, getting her snatch licked and made up some sort of goofy language prominently featuring the letter "z". At no point does she talk about making scratch.



So Missy, we hear that you may have a new album coming out. Please do us all a favor and make it as sweet as all of the other rap songs on the top of the charts. Take a hint from Usher or Ludacris. We do not want to her about dudes licking you. We want to hear about money, money, money.



Thank you for taking the time to hear us out.

Hating It Rain.

So remember that cool sociology 101 professor from your first year in college? The one who really opened up your eyes to all of the outrages going on in the world. The one who may or may not have influenced you to take up anthropology. Well there is little to no doubt in my mind that this professor had you read "Nickeled and Dimed: On(Not) Getting By In America" by Barbara Ehrenreich.



Barbara decided that for this book she was going to do some modern muckraking to prove that you can't get by with a shitty ass job. Starting off in her own backyard, Ehrenreich searched for lodging and a job in neighboring Key West, Florida. After Securing jobs at two restaurants, and a one-day housekeeping stint, she worked for one month before giving into the hard work of an extremely busy night at the restaurant; she walked out, then she headed to Portland, Maine, without an automobile, for a fresh start. Well, Barb, I bet it would be a lot easier to secure a stable living if you didn't walk out on your job when it got too hard, huh? Stupid Bitch.



After arriving in Maine, Ehrenreich landed two more jobs after a four day search, one as an assistant at a nursing home and another as a maid at a cleaning franchise. Worn down by her work-load and work-related stress, she traveled to her final destination, Minneapolis, Minnesota, where she is employed in the women's department at a Wal-Mart before ultimately ending her investigation. Even with the odds stacked on her side -- a car, no kids taking her dough, and a boat load of cash to start off with -- Ehrenreich failed to achieve a baller lifestyle. Though, I have to admit, the one thing not in her favor, quitting every job she has.



So where did all of this get you, Barb? See the thing is by forgoing your modest middle class means and trying to prove a point you wound up with no money looking like a fat ass Chuck Klosterman.



Are you happy with that decision? You are trying to glorify a lifestyle that is stupid. I think for your next book maybe you should write about what it is like to be homeless for a couple of months. I am sure people will love reading that. If you want to give me a signed copy of that when it is finished you can find me at the top of the best seller charts with my book "How to make a ton of cash and score a ton of ass"





*For the record, we don't disagree with her idea. I mean, who knows if those suckers with minimum wage jobs can pay their bills. At Making It Rain we decided early on that it was important to get high paying jobs so that we could have nice things, get drunk often and score tons of chicks. So far, so good.

Hating It Rain.

There is one man, who in our humble opinion, who hates the act of making it rain more than any other man in history. This man in fact, based nearly his entire political career on the idea of rain making being a bad thing. We have been careful here at making rain on how to approach such a figure.



One one hand, the Theodore Roosevelt is responsible for founding the Bull Moose political party which resulted in many laughs while we were juniors in high school. On the other hand, the man hated big business more than Marshall Mathers hates Kim. You might be thinking "this man broke down monopolies as a hobby, how on earth could we give him the kid gloves treatment?" Well lest we forget that he is also the person who coined the term "Rough Rider".




Lets go through some more pros and cons with our twenty sixth president, shall we? First off,shortly after gaining the presidency, Roosevelt drafted a 20,000-word address to the Congress in December 1901, where he asked Congress to curb the power of trusts "within reasonable limits." They did not act but Roosevelt did, issuing 44 lawsuits against major corporations; this is where he was gained the nickname the "trust-buster."



On the flip side, Roosevelt's most excellent policy in not letting Europeans into the Americas was labeled as the "Big Stick Policy". Sounds a little bit like he is over compensating for something, wouldn't you agree?



After a lot of back on forth on our part here at making it rain there was one fact that we read on his wikipedia page that told us all that we need to know about the man known as Bull Moose. In 1902, while on a hunting trip in Mississippi, Roosevelt passed up the opportunity to shoot and kill a bear. For that the children's toy will be forever known as the "Teddy Bear" but to us, for these actions, he will forever be known as a pussy.



Fuck you, Teddy Roosevelt.

Hating it rain.

You know him. Quite frankly, this guy is one of the most reprehensible beings in the history of the earth. They come out when the weather turns cold and don't leave until the trees begin budding in the spring time. In what is arguable the hardest time to live in the Northeast these numbskulls make day to day life even more trying.



Yes, it is that stupid guy who wears shorts during the winter. Is there a more loathsome character in the world? I suggest that there is not. They are generally are over weight teenagers but the truth is they come in all shapes and sizes.



You may wonder, "How does this relate to the act of hating it rain?". Well, let me ask you this question in return, have you ever meet someone who wore shorts during the winter who turned out to be a successful business man? Ever meet anyone who wears daisy dukes while there is a negative 4 windchill pick up a shorty in a bar? Have you even seem someone wearing shorts in the middle of a blizzard while lighting a cigarette with a hundred dollar bill?
Yeah, me neither.



You can bet that the guy pictured above is wearing pants.

Hating it rain.

Hating it rain is one of our more popular features here at making it rain. Today we are profiling turn of the century muckaraker Jacob Riis. Jacob Riis is, as far as I am concerned, an asshole.



Now I realize that is a very strong statement to make, I do. It may, in one's opinion, in fact be sacrilege to those who have recently immigrated to America who have him to thank for the fact that they don't live in absolute squander. His books and photo essay's including "how the other half lives" paved the way for social change in America. He was not all good though. Thankfully, I am here to tell you how it really went down.



Jacob Riis came to America at the age of 21 in the year of 1870. He arrived in America with other large groups of immigrants who flooded urban areas in the years following the Civil War seeking prosperity in the more industrialized environment of the United States. There was seriously like 25 million people all moving to urban centers in America trying to get paid.



But no, these poor immigrants were not to get paid! ahahahahahhaha. In fact the demographics of American urban centers grew so huge that the more the immigrants arrived the more problems arose due to even the largest cities in the United States not having enough space to house them. So, Riis found himself just another poor immigrant in New York. Now I am quoting his wikipedia page here so I can only hope that this is true, "His only companion was a stray dog he met shortly after his arrival. The dog brought him inspiration and when a police officer mercilessly beat it to death, Riis was devastated. One of his personal victories, he later confessed, was not using his eventual fame to ruin the career of the offending officer. Riis spent most of his nights in police-run poor houses, whose conditions were so ghastly that Riis dedicated himself to having them shut down."



So what I have gathered here is that Jacob Riis, who lived in , albiet slummy, police housing when he first arrived in america claims that he didn't want to pay the police department back. Well, well, well. I hate to break it to you Jacob but guess what? When you closed down all of those police shanty towns you did ruin the said police officers life. He no longer had a job. I even heard that he killed himself and his entire family because he was so insecure in the fact that he was unable to pay for his family to eat or to pay the bills . This fate may have been avoided had there been low rent housing made available by the police, but no, that wasn't the case anymore. Thanks a lot Mr. Riis.



asshole.

Fuck you Ida Tarbell

[Insert fake tears here] The standard oil company put your father out of business. what a shame. That is hardly a reason to start hating on the late great John Rockefeller. The dude was just trying to make some cash and you had to go and write "The history of the standard oil company" Well, on behalf of good ol' J.R the writers here at making it rain want to give you a big old fuck you.

Then the New York Times deems it appropriate to label your book the 5th best book of the 20th century? Why? Because you uncovered some sort of faux monopoly? I do not intend to sound redundant but fuck you. You know what I am thinking Ida, I am thinking that given the time period of your coming of age that maybe you should have chosen another profession.

Actually, now that i think about it maybe you would have been better served being it some sort of freak show, you commie bitch.

In the event that anyone did not understand that joke i am insinuating that she is ugly.