Baller laboraties

Here at Baller Laboratories we are committed to debunking many of the myths surrounding the wasting of money. This often requires rigorous field testing ( i.e. wasting money on hot ladies at the bar (lab) in order to see what's behind that lab coat). In case you were wondering ladies, that is a test tube in my pocket...a fuckin' huge one!

Currently our latest debate has been over the "Intelligent Design Theory" of spending money Vs. "The Big Bang" Theory. I bet you can guess which one we are the proponents of. Let's see here, the first posits that a careful planning or spending of money over a specific timeframe is the way in which humanity must live. BORING! Let me tell you about a much more exciting and real way in which "life" is created. It involves a big explosion, usually from our pocket books or dongs, and is known as the Big Bang. Go ahead and think about the last time you were in a bar...where was the giver of lively times in that establishment? I can tell you one thing it not the dude counting his pennies into stacks to spend over the course of the next seven days.
If there is one thing that science has definetely proven that is that The Dollars Maximus is only the more evolved species than that of Spendas Littlus. We are here to inheret the earth and populate it with superior beings.

Making it Rain.... Bullets!!!!

Alright, this might be stretching it a little bit but i cannot help but comment on the story of the gentelman named Kurt Havelock. A mild mannered restaurateur by day turned into a very articulate, would be, mass murderer by night.



For some reason the Arizona native surrendered to police on Sunday and admitted to plotting a massacre at the Super Bowl as revenge against the Tempe City Council, which had denied him a liquor license when they learned that he had intended to call the bar "Drunkenstein's." He bought an AR-15 and wrote up an 8-page manifesto and actually made it to the staging area right outside of the stadium.



He turned himself in for not shooting people? that seems pretty stupid, but anyway, "Drunkenstein's" is a totally awesome name for a bar. If nothing else, It would, without a doubt, be the most popular bar in all of the Tempe area on Halloween. It would also be very popular the weekend before Halloween in the event that Halloween feel on a Wednesday or something. Isn't that the worst?



After turning himself into the police it appears that he gave police the aforementioned 8 page manifesto about what he almost did. I have to tell you seemed to be a little wordy for someone wanting to name a bar "Drunkenstein's". Here is an excerpt from the said letter,
I cannot outvote, outspend, outtax, or outincarcerate my enemies. But for a brief moment I can outgun them."
Later he wrote "I will not be bullied by the financial institutions and their puppet politicians,"
"I will test the theory that bullets speak louder than words. Perhaps the blood of the inculpable will cause a paradigm shift. ... Someone has to start the revolution but no one wants to be first."



He finished with "How many dollars will you lose? And all because you took my right to own a business from me," the manifesto said.




All the man wanted to do was open up a business and serve the public while making a little bit of scratch for himself. Just trying to live the American dream. Thankfully for haters in the general Tempe area he thought better of shooting all of the innocents at the super bowl but hopefully this will teach the government to try to fuck with the guy who wants to open the bar called "Slosho De Mayo"

A strange way to pay the electric bill.

So it was brought to my attention to me by one of my fellow writers here at making it rain that I am doing something especially foolish with money. When he says foolish, naturally, he means totally awesome. Though you internet folk out there might think of it as a flagrant display of wasting cash. I tend to think of it more as the former. You may think of it as the later. Before you make up your mind though, I think that you should hear me out.



So here is the story. As mentioned in earlier posts I do not much care for paying bills. I much prefer spending my money on top shelf alcohol, alligator pizza and the finest escorts in all of Buffalo. With that said, upon moving into my luxurious home in the swankiest part of town I had more important things on my mind that putting the electric into my name, y'know what I mean?



So fast forward eighteen months. I get a letter addressed to "occupant" asking my to pay my electric bill. To paraphrase my friend, the late great, Marcel Marceau "fuck that!".



So at this point I thought to myself, "Marcel is right, Fuck that! I'm Moving out!" So I began gathering my belongings when I thought to myself about how much I don't like moving. I mean I work all day, why should I have to come home and move shit to a new apartment? That does not sound like fun at all. So I decided just to leave a bunch of shit there.



So then I thought, shit man, I bet that I would sound really cool to chicks if I told them that I had two places. It was at that time that I decided to pay for two apartments. One for my more quiet reserved life. Which, lets be honest, doesn't get used very much. Then the other, much more empty, apartment with nothing but empty cans and used condoms strewn about the floor.



So, ladies, if you want to come back to one of my places tonight, well, you can just let me know.

helping the ladies...

Dear babes,
I know that many of you lovely ladies scour the missed connections section of the pouplar website craig's list when you are looking for love. Well, today we are going to help you out so that you don't have to look for nerds online. After this advice you will be able to walk into the finest strip club and pick up and baller of your choosing.




First thing is first. If you are fat, loose some weight. No cheddar shredder wants a cash cow hanging on his arm. Don't get me wrong, we are not encouraging anorexia, and we definitely do not approve of bulimia, but just drink a diet coke and eat a salad. We are even cool with buying you cocaine, just drop those lbs.




Next, we love huge boobs. I do not believe that needs much more explaining.



Another thing that will help you is if you are into weird sexual deviances. Mind you, I am not talking about super weird shit like taking pisses on one another but I don't know, say that you have like 450 friends and they, well, i dont know....




yeah... that could keep a money masher busy for a couple of hours.

I really don't know what to make of this...

The company Geico brings up mixed feelings for me. On one hand, they have come into the greater Western New York area and created high paying jobs so that I have acquaintances with whom I can callously spend cash. On the other hand their commercials interrupt my wildly sexual dreams with ones of fear. I do not care for this.




I mean sure, I get the joke. So easy a caveman could do it, but shit man, you have been doing the same ad for the past four years. The American public, while mostly consisting of dipshits, houses many well read, educated young men such as myself and myself. The worst part is babes like these commercials! Can you believe that? I find it nearly as offensive as that one shorty Jerry Seinfeld used to date who loved those docker's commercials. What an uneducated wench!





I was always able to deal with these commercials though. I mean, when watching network television, which is created for the "masses", there are certain trade off's one must make. Normally, I refrain from such activities but I like to keep and eye on some of the sporting event's that I wager enormous amounts of money on. Sadly, while doing so I have to suffer through some of these advertisement's which make me dumber by the second.



Now though, now geico has taken it too far. While attempting to increase my knowledge database by cruising wikipedia's random article feature I came across something most disconcerting. The "Geico caveman" page. This page took me to this link,

http://www.cavemanscrib.com


This is some really disturbing shit. If I even get tricked into watching something like that again I am quitting the internet. That is that. Fuck Geico, fuck them right in their "ironic" asses.






and yes, if you were wondering the main purpose of this post was so that I didn't have to look at that guy's asshole anymore when the page first loads.

Hating it rain.

Hating it rain is one of our more popular features here at making it rain. Today we are profiling turn of the century muckaraker Jacob Riis. Jacob Riis is, as far as I am concerned, an asshole.



Now I realize that is a very strong statement to make, I do. It may, in one's opinion, in fact be sacrilege to those who have recently immigrated to America who have him to thank for the fact that they don't live in absolute squander. His books and photo essay's including "how the other half lives" paved the way for social change in America. He was not all good though. Thankfully, I am here to tell you how it really went down.



Jacob Riis came to America at the age of 21 in the year of 1870. He arrived in America with other large groups of immigrants who flooded urban areas in the years following the Civil War seeking prosperity in the more industrialized environment of the United States. There was seriously like 25 million people all moving to urban centers in America trying to get paid.



But no, these poor immigrants were not to get paid! ahahahahahhaha. In fact the demographics of American urban centers grew so huge that the more the immigrants arrived the more problems arose due to even the largest cities in the United States not having enough space to house them. So, Riis found himself just another poor immigrant in New York. Now I am quoting his wikipedia page here so I can only hope that this is true, "His only companion was a stray dog he met shortly after his arrival. The dog brought him inspiration and when a police officer mercilessly beat it to death, Riis was devastated. One of his personal victories, he later confessed, was not using his eventual fame to ruin the career of the offending officer. Riis spent most of his nights in police-run poor houses, whose conditions were so ghastly that Riis dedicated himself to having them shut down."



So what I have gathered here is that Jacob Riis, who lived in , albiet slummy, police housing when he first arrived in america claims that he didn't want to pay the police department back. Well, well, well. I hate to break it to you Jacob but guess what? When you closed down all of those police shanty towns you did ruin the said police officers life. He no longer had a job. I even heard that he killed himself and his entire family because he was so insecure in the fact that he was unable to pay for his family to eat or to pay the bills . This fate may have been avoided had there been low rent housing made available by the police, but no, that wasn't the case anymore. Thanks a lot Mr. Riis.



asshole.

Future Ballers?

Would you believe that the second richest man in the world is from mexico? Seriously. Mexico. The man's name is Carlos Slim, which albiet is a pretty awesome name, this man is worth in excess of $59 billion dollars and he is from Mexico City!



It really makes you think about things. If a guy from Mexico can accumulate something like $60 billion dollars it is very encouraging to other people from very poor countries. Think about it, if you are a beggared youth from some impoverished country that you too have a chance to be a total baller. On top of it all, Carlos Slim is an a fat dude!!!



So what I wanted to do today was take a look at prospective ballers in upcoming generations.



Ho Chi Vatthana is an aspiring billionaire from Laos. Ho Chi is quickly becoming of of the top animal skinner in all of a growing Loasian population. He is currently in dissucions with several Vietnamese business men to bring his company national. With any luck he will be making the forbes top 400 list by 2092.



Since the disintegration of Yugoslavia in the 1990's there have been many entrepreneurs in Serbia trying to cash in with the new capitalist government. One of which is our next gentlemen to be profiled, Tomislav Milicic. Mr. Milicic is responsible for bringing the Olive Garden chain to Eastern Europe. He is also credited with the brilliant mind who thought up the uber successful "all you can eat pasta" campaign which is all the rage of America as we speak.



Who knows who could be next? I mean if you could come from the crumbling economies of Mexico, Laos or Serbia and put together that kind of scratch pretty much anything is possible, like becoming a cultural icon with no talent what so ever.

goals.

New Year's is generally the time of year where people make resolutions. People think to themselves, "self, how can i better you?" Sadly, most of you can't do a damn thing to make yourselves better. You say, "oh, maybe i should stop smoking!" Or maybe you say, "I should start going to the gym." Once i even heard some freak suggest that he should take up the trombone.



Not me though. I have never made a lame new year's resolution. Sure, I have made some before. In 2001 I decided that I wanted to score more babes. I did. In 2004 I figured that I could use some more disposable income. Obviously, I accomplished that goal. This year though, this year I want a commemorative stamp made of me.



The first commerative stamp was issued in 1893 by postmaster general John Wannamaker. Other big wigs at the post office tried to fight him on his radical plan of commeratating people, places and events but ol' John said, look, idiot people will flock to this things and collect them. This will be a very profitable evdevaor for us. Needless to say, he was right and the post office proceeded to make it rain.



The controversial first commemorative stamps were the Columbian Exposition Series. Printed by the ABNC, or American Bank Note Company, the stamps were issued to commemorate the World Columbian Exposition held in Chicago, Illinois, from May 1 to October 30, 1893. The stamps were to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Christopher Columbus's voyage to the New World. It is my feeling that there could not be a lamer reason to make stamps. How about a stamp to commemorate the 400th chick that i sneezed on.



Throughout history such people as Elvis, places like Canada, or events like the Special Olympics have been celebrated through the stamp. They also apparantly make stamps to coincide with the releases of blockbuster films.



So all I want to accomplish this year is getting my mug on a stamp. It would be useful too if you think about it. I mean, when women buy it they won't mind making out with the stamp before placing it on the letter.

better days.

With it being the holiday season and all we here at making it rain have decided to review the best holidays in any given year. This will help you in that it will show you when and how it is best to demonstrate your mad cash flow.






#365-
Your birthday. You do not spend money on your birthday. All of those money hungry friends and leaches pay for your drinks on this night. With all of the loot you have foolishly wasted on their drug habits over the past year it is the very least those ungrateful peons can do for you.


#281-
New Year's Eve. It is fucking amateur hour out there. Everybody is looking to have the perfect kiss when the clock strikes twelve. Well, let those wieners who want to be in love have that night. The only thing that is perfect about meeting a woman with me is when she is walking out the door after blowing me.



#280-
Valentine's Day.
hahahahahahahahhaahahahahahah. yeah right. See i know what you were thinking. You would think that we would be all about that shit, right? wrong. Whereas we appreciate wiping out asses with money, burning it at our leisure, and drinking to the point that we black out, puke, then buy more drinks, we can not in any way condone showering one woman with gifts on this holiday. If you would like to show them the condoms that you just bought that look like one hundred dollar bills though, well, that is okay.



#69-
Any shorty's birthday. You find the hottest babe in the place and you make her yours. You take out your bill fold (or wallet, whichever you prefer) and you drop that wad of $100 bills right in front of her shorty face. She will be all like "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOO HOT, LOL!!!! WHAT IS YOUR NUMBER!?!?!?! LETS TEXT!!!!" Then you will be like, "awesome, i am going to buy this girl and all of her friends so many drinks that i might be able to sleep with all fifteen of them."

A Holiday Hero.

We here at makiing it rain have taken quite a long break from our writing. Worry not minions, at no point did we ever stop making it rain. Our trails have taken us from Portland, OR to Scranton, Pa. From Buffalo, NY to Washington DC. From NYC to Louisville, KY and just about everywhere inbetween. During these travels there was one person who we were trying to live up to. There is really only one dude who is bad enough to toss around bills to the ground at a quicker pace than like sub prime morgatge lending rates. That man, possibly, is the only dude who can both literally and figuretivley make it rain.



My man, J.C. With his birthday coming up and all we figured it is about time to honor the first man to really, really make it rain.



Long before we came around there was pacman jones. Before pacman came James Brown. Before James Brown came Leon Trotsky(the man left for mexico and lived on the beach for the rest of his life). Before Trotsky came this guy....



And before little asian dudes tossing around twenties like his name was method man there was the big man, JC.
Merry Christmas, cheddar shredders.